she's the cutest thing in the world.

above is a selection of some of my horde from diva :D last night was awesome. mel came round after work and we made delicious home made pizzas, then we shuffled to mel's and sat on the back patio enjoying the summer night. We drank some champers, watched some sex and the city. We attempted to practice our drinking game for new years, in which you take a shot everytime the word "Shot" is used in the song "shots" by lmfao. It got intense, and we were only using water. New years is gonna be wild lol.

then tom and alex came over, and we sat on the patio some more, listening to music, talking hanging out. We drunk much more champagne, and then at like midnight alex headed home as he had work at six am. Tom stayed longer cause he was drunker and was waiting for the alcohol to wear off. After i stood up from my position on the patio i realised i was pretty damn drunk, and i was in good company with melon. We put on some more sex and the city and the three of us ended up lying in a mixed up pile togehter on the floor it was really nice. Eventually tom headed home and mel and i shuffled off to bed and passed out. early night tonight and then new years :D:D

they say wassup, i say wassup, we say wassup wassup.

i dyed my hair again yesterday :) i dig it. it's getting longer. slowly slowly.

Melon and i had dinner last night and then went for a walk, then i went to ash's with rowan and stayed up all night talking and hanging out, then getting up at four thirty to drop rowan cardo claire and tom to the airport cause they're going to vietnam.

went round and and saw schorno and shane today, looking forward to new years. thinking tonight we are having home made pizzas YAY mmm then melon and i are having a sex and the city night. thinking about pizzas has made me hungry for lunch. I'm going to go have a late lunch. perhaps in next blog i will model all the sick jewellry i got on sale at diva :)

christmas season.

I have been away with the family for the last two weeks at port stephens, and while i love them, suffered some serious family time overload. So since i got back on boxing day arvo i have been getting out of the house as much as i can.

melon leaves in 7 days. like wtf. selfish bitch :( but on the plus, i am feeling very optimistic about 2010. Feel like I'm gonna have a good year, rocking the single life. All I want to do is drink smoke and party. luckily new years is coming up.

there seems to be a lot to write about, but in one of those ways where there is too much to write about so instead you write about nothing. I am desperate to move out. If row stays in canberra there will be more incentive for me to save some money cause he is someone i would actually like to live with.

best week ever!!! on tuesday after work we packed ourselves up and hit the road for the coast, the car ride was aweosme, singing along, hyped, feeling awesome and free! had a great time at the coast, swimming, reading magazines on the beach, eating fresh prawns on the beach, sitting on our deck as the sun goes down, getting drunk on cruisers, drinkopoly, good times. we paid the price for our frivolity with hideous sunburn, perhaps the worst i've ever got but as the sunburn has started to heal i couldn't care less about and i remmeber only the highlights (of which there were many)

yesterday was also foreshore! it was so fucking good. got high, danced around like crazy people, drank, sat on the hill, caught up with people i haven't seen in forever. my old family, meaning people like simo schorno brit stevie em tim etc, people who i used to see every day when i was at the boys house and now never get to see, i miss them. Yuri was there, which was kinda gay, but luckily i didn't have to see him hardly at all i got to spend lots of nice time seeing everyone. miss them alot.
so yeah awessommme week, on a minor downer, the feelings i thought i had escaped when yuri and i first broke up are haunting me a little. it's not that bad, it's just that it is getting harder to be without him instead of easier.

I'm going to go clean my room, clean myself up all nice and pretty, clean the bathroom and then relax with glamour and maybe some naughty food to cheer myself up :)

i feel sad and sick and shaky and i really miss yuri.
i hate the realisation of how freaking in love with him i still am. seeing his name on the fb chat screen sent my heart racing and the adrenaline going insane. of course he didn't say anything.

occurance in the rumpus room a few minutes ago.

this is what just transpired:

I was walking down to the rumpus room to get a dvd to watch while i clean my room. I walk in, and see some gigantic winged bug attempting to fly but just sort of scootering around on the ground.
Me: Mum. get in here. there's a weird bug!
mum: where?
me: right there! get it, it keeps trying to fly
mum goes to get dustpan and brush, the bug achieves lift off.
me: holy fuck mum it's flying it's flying! (run out of the room)
....
me: just smash it out of the air!
mum successfully hits it to the ground, sweeps it up and takes it outside.
me: we nearly died bick. we could've died.

i hate bugs.

lets go fly a kite.

I'm finished! school can suck a dick!
last night was awesome, elk mel and i had a sleepover, consumed alot of champagne, watched gossip girl, went for night time walks, took turns having rides on rowans motorbike :D

going to see twilight soon and then possibly going out. So much is happening soon! It feels good to be free, but i have been feeling a little worse about yuri lately. I just miss him. And it's hard sometimes. But i'm going to be fine, as i will be keeping busy.

It was so hot today at work, but luckily we stayed inside and ate lifesavers icy poles mmmmmm.
I'm also loving the transition to summer food. For the last couple of nights we've just been having salads and cold meats and yummy summer fruits mmmmm

I don't know what to wear tonight. We're going to the movies, but we're possibly going out afterwards, so i need to wear something kind of ok :S what to do? dilema.

holiday skin.

sigh i had a great weekend! i suck at life and study. I should not have been having a good time.

On sunday i went shopping with ash for her formal dress and we found a really pretty, very her dress.

then in the arvo i read another book, josh picked me up and got goodburys and then i stayed up till 1am reading my book till i'd finished. Now today i was supposed to be starting some serious study, but the BITCH classics teacher didn't record the structure etc for the exam. she can't do that! i legitimately cannot come to classics lectures because i have work. Fucking bullshit. Luckily I'm facebook friends with a girl in my class so i've asked her about the structure etc and hopefully she'll get back to me soon :S

can't wait for jurassic house party, pauls party, seeing new moon! finishing exams and COAST. wednesday. sweet sweet day of freedom!

Now I'm going to clean my room and paint my nails and hopefully by the time i'm done erin will have replied.

whatever you like.

Unfortunatly, I had a really nice day today. I say unfortunatly because I was supposed to be having a horrible day of study and death, but instead I:

Woke up early, read my book for a bit, did my makeup properly, cleaned my room.

met mel at school after her exam and bought new swimmers in woden, booked tickets for new moon.

got home, read my book all afternoon until i finished it now (at 6;10pm) generally relaxed and felt good about myself.

Also the book was about new beginnings, falling in love again etc etc so very inspiring and happy :)

If it's meant to be...

had a pretty great couple of days. I messaged yuri for his birthday and it felt really good and mature and just nice. still miss him.

gossip girl this week was the BEST ohhhh my god. mel and i were watching it and we were leaping all over the bed shrieking and grabbing each other at the suspense lol good times

have another shitty boring weekend of study ahead of me, but after that is sweet sweet freedom from wednesday! oh my god cannot wait. Today I had an exam (english i raped it :P) then went to work, then washed my car. I'm so awesome.

think i'm hanging out with ash tonight but i'm getting kinda sleepy so not sure. I have a desire to call mel and hassle her cause i'm bored but i shall refrain as she is trying to study.

Also got a new job! working at epic promotions like mel. I think doing wine tastings etc.

I want to be vanessa. Or I'll take being jenny. or even serena in season one. I want new clothes! cannot wait to be relaxing on the beach.

The photo is what i'm dreaming about right now. Perfection.

when i moved to this neighbourhood the only thing that cost twenty bucks was a handjob from a tranny.

It's Yuri's birthday tomorrow, and so i have been thinking about him quite alot. Also i am watching sex and the city and carrie and big is totally me and yuri. so many parrallels it's crazy.

Reading Jane's blog about new years etc made me think about some resolutions of my own, althouhg luckily i feel like i'm doing pretty ok. basic/classic ones being

1. sticking to the healthy eating and the regular exercise. i'm hoping i can become one of those excercise junkies before school starts again

2. being more social at uni next year, making some more uni friends, trying to extend my social network.

but basically all i want is serenity and contentment. I have happiness, and a great life, but i am not content, and that is about yuri. I don't have any great desire to travel, (although i would like to hit europe) I'm really loving my wardrobe/hair right now (well not so loving the hair, but loving it ok and excited about it being long) I would like to move out although i have a great relationship with the fam and accept that my money issues will not really stretch that far at the moment. So basically that leaves one area of my life. I know i can't force myself to try and get over him, or get too worked up with paranoia about his life, so i still just want contentment.

This is why over this year I have shifted from team edward to team jacob. Edward is drama. Jacob is stability, love, affection, contentment. All the good things, not the bad. Not having drama isn't a bad thing.

oh that's what gay is? oh i could totally get into that.

tomorrow i have a nice day at home planned, i shall do some washing, do some cleaning, and read the eyre affair. ahhh domestic bliss.

Vrocks party on the weekend, went with mel and elk talked trash about mtv. Just been hanging out with melon and elk, we went to a semi bbq at alexs, although none of us ate the meat, so really we sat in the backyard eating dips and chatting. it was good.

elk came over on sunday (my one designated study day) and painted paintings with steph on the back deck. so naturally i was distracted and did not much of anything. However, i had the exam today so that's over.

I was very drained after exam and just lay around, went to work, got pissed off at everyone, came home and lay around. Luckily mel came over and perked me up with talk of beaches, aussie bikinis, foreshore, new years. pretty much everything good is coming up. i was going to go shopping with melon for my aussie bikini on wednesday but melon will have to study now cause of exam revelation, so maybe i shall go myself. or actually, i might save it to buy for myself after exams as my treat. I'm going to veg out in front of family guy till i fall asleep now.

I'm walking on sunshine.

Things I did today:

Watched some of season one of gossip girl

cleaned my room

painted my nails

Things I did NOT do today:

Study.

I'm dead. But at least I have lots of pretty things to look at. Mum picked me some sweet peas :)

brussels griffon.

this is the dog i am getting.

i am not a whore. but i like to do it.

Haven't updated in a while, just haven't been bothered to write anything.

Tomorrow is the races :D i am so excited. everyone is going to look so freaking cute! I am avoiding doing exam study and that is what brings me back to blog. What else have I been doing? Hmmm can't remember, it's been quieter lately, as everyone is settling into exam hibernation for the next couple of weeks.

The weather has been super awesome though, and the lightening of the weather equals a lightening of my mood. With the rise in temperature i feel like i have lost ten kilos of baggage, and are just frolicking around easiely, nothing seems to matter as much, nothing seems to have consequences. I feel easier about yuri. Not trying to force myself to get over him, or not think about him, has taken the pressure off and making it alot easier. Jane, put up the freak halloween photo of you in the background :P

I think I am going swimming in Josh's pool this arvo after work which will be fabulous after i swelter at work soon. Rowan came round yesterday, we just hung out was very nice. Saw t last week. And schorn and tam, catching up with everyone lol. Cannot wait for exams to be over.

happiness :)

she's got it written on her.

Thursday night was awesome. Did not intend to have a big one but then very much did. We went to oktoberfest in the afternoon/evening, great atmosphere, am definatly going to have to hang there more often. then we sauntered over to uni pub, but the atomosphere there was pretty gay. sad. Mel and jane left. also sad. but then we went to labour club, we arrived like five minutes after brendan and paul and by the time we got there paul was passed out at the table. We all just hung out, talking, me getting free drinks from brendan. yay :P Then We (and by this stage "we" means me adi tam and brendan) went to acads.

It was awesome there, drank and danced, danced so much, got some acads photos taken, hopefully they turn out alright. At about one we went outside to get some fresh air, where inspired by the oktoberfest social atmosphere i got chatting with some fellow gutter rat boys. Tam got picked up by josh and then we (we now meaning me brendan and adi) were like "...yeah guess we better go to" but adi just wanted to drop by ic's quickly to say hi to a friend. We ended up staying there till about two thirty, and it was really fun again, lots more dancing, lots more free drinks. Jagerbombs. At two thirty we were again liek "yeah guess it's time to go" and start walking back to the car, luckily we hadn't got far when adi was like "hang on, does anyone actually want to leave?" and we were liek NO! so on we went to cube!

cube was possibly the best part of the night, really good music, smoke machines, topless boys making out lol. We got to maccas at like four thirty, and then brendan adi and i passed out at my house. I was going to get up in the morning to say goodbye etc etc, but i was wayyyy too hungover. Awesome night.

Today is stephs bday :) Her 21st is tonight. Some of our family is coming today so taht will be sweet. Also for the first time in a while skin is looking good and i'm looking really and feeling really great. yay just in time. See you all tonight hoes :)

the fame was like a drug...but what was more like a drug was the drugs.

the kids today were major shits. i nearly snapped and killed them all. but i made it through and at least i have a day off tomorrow :)

last night elk and i drank champagne with strawberries and lemon sorbet, i got drunk, and felt happy, and light and free. still feeling that way. must be the weather. My skin is screwing me into the ground. My previous working skincare has now just dried the SHIT out of my skin, so i had to buy a new cleanser today. BUT i went into anu pharmacy, and they had my old cetaphil!! i have not seen it anywhere else in like a year, i though they'd stopped making it. so my skin will be rightened soon. whether it is soon enough? too early to tell.

melons coming over soon for some gossip girl, then i've got to get down to some essay writing :S lame. but. tomorrow....sweet sweet FREEDOM!!! fuuuck yeah. octoberfest. partying. happiness :)

we are just not getting back together.
we are in different places in our lives and it's just not going to happen. sad :(

she wears high heels.

this is my cute new dress :D only just imagine it brighter and cuter and sexier and with a really cool back :P and also my boobs do not actually look as insane as they do in the photos. to get the full dress shot i had to press the webcam button with a coat hanger, inventive no?

even though i freaked out about the price, i just have to enjoy seeing as i've already bought it. it makes me look really slim and pretty and makes me feel fun and flirty and great so it's worth it :)

yesterday i had a relaxing evening where i enhanced my natural beauty by dying my eyebrows and eyelashes, i'm so handy. then i lay around reading cosmo (didn't even have to buy it cause steph already had!)

today i went to woden and printed out some new photos yay :)

but now the fact that i have been so neglectful of my schoolwork today has caught up with me, so tonight i will be doing essays. hopefully pretty much finishing english. i just feel very light these days, maybe it's the sunnier weather, maybe it's the feeling of back off from assignments, but feeling good. I want some champgane.

20,000 leagues under the sea.

irritatingly it seems as though my skin is going throuhg a "got to get worse before it gets better". sucks. but i think give it a week and my skin will be glowing and radiant.

today i went down to a book fair with mum, and i went to look in the classics childrens book section and some BITCH had just picked up the magic of the faraway tree! of course i have been hunting for it forever. Steph and I stalked her for a while, then i told mum and mum went up to her and was like "yes that book? i was wondering if you really wanted it because my daughter has been looking everywhere for it" unfortunatly it was the ladies favorite kids book too (boo, good taste) but mum rules for asking :P

on the plus i got some original brothers grimm fairy tales, and some more cheap chick lit (as if you can ever have enough) also an old version of 20,000 leagues under the sea and edgar allen poe's fantastic stories.

steph and i went to civic for a quickie look round the shops, and i bought a forever new dress, then freaked out about the cost of it, but steph agreed to buy it off me for cost price, and i can buy it back later if i want :) also i'm hoping that i can still wear it to stephs 21st, that would be awesome. I'm going to go dome some essay. and then tonight I plan on reading the new cosmo, watching sex and the city, and having some night time smokes out on the balcony :)

things that we must do VERY soon, as i am super excited about the summer :) : nights at the mawson club, kingos wherevs, picnics, coaasssst, FROLICKING! cannot wait for mid week hangs again! when we are not so swamped on schoolwork we can jsut decide to go out.

yay for sunny weather!

buttons.

Yesterday I began my re-invention/overhaul.

Elk and i went shopping and talked to this make up artist guy and he picked me out proper cleansers and moisturisers etc cause i never know what to buy, and after only one day i can feel my skin healing. go skin go! i got some new eyeshadows and foundation and concealor and stuff too. pretty exciting. I've been eating healthier lately, but still have a ways to go. I'm going to get into better after next week, when i have finished my essays and thus don't need to constantly reward myself with treats lol.

This will also be the time where i start getting back into the gym for serious. Would like to drop five kilos tone the up, and generally frolick around and be carefree again! only one more week! Cannot wait for warmth on my skin again, and singlets and denim shorts and cute hats and sunnies and being OUTDOORS. coast trips, sitting on balconies.

also. i want long hair so bad i could die.

I got it from my mama.

Melon I cannot WAIT for the little champgane bottles tomorrow. Honestly, it's all that's keeping me going. I think i will call after i write this blog.
Today work was very amusing. I helped the girls with their cheerleading routine and then laughed at them as they strutted around to the "baby where'd you get your body from" song.

Mitch and ewan decided to re-enact home and away, and mitch ran around screaming "I TRUSTED YOU! YOU LIED TO ME!!" over and over in a high pitched girly voice and trying to hit ewan. It was pretty on the money. I love my work.

Yesterday i was telling anna (this kindy girl) that i was really poor cause i am a uni student and i was writing a list of things i needed to get when i was paid. Then today we were walking and i said something about having something "pretty" and she was liek "YOU DON"T EVEN HAVE ANY PRETTY MONEY!! HEY EVERYONE! SHE"S POOR! SHE"S POOR!" and then looked at me very pitingly and asked if i have anywhere to sleep or any money for food.

Friend jealousy! lol melon and jane are going to kingo's tonight and i'm here. i hate feeling like i'm out of the loop. pretty sure my friends should jsut sit at home and do nothing until i call on them. :P

dedicated to my ladies.

And I just gotta tell you one more time.
You're the best damn girl in the whole wide world, baby you're the best in the whole wide world, you're the only one that i'm ever gonna need, baby you're the one, only one for me.
I just wanna tell you you're the one that i need, baby you're the one, only one for me.

keep, going.

Having a pretty good day today cause i'm avoiding all schoolwork. tonight is going to suck though. I've just been bopping around, looking at makeup tutorials on youtube. I was wearing the necklace in my pictures for the first time in a while, and it made me think about when I got it and people had to inform me that it wasn't in fact, a little coffin with a smiley face, but a kite. Whatevs, it's still cool.

Back to school today, after school care that is. Actually looking forward to seeing some of the kids. But when I get back it will be death in the form of essay.

I've been listening to dance music and thinking about partying. Can't wait for freedom. Girls night? Hells yes.

My makeup is looking cute today and the only ones who are going to see it are the asshole kids. boo.

broken hearted girl

I know that I love you, but let me just say, I don't want to love you in no kind of way.

I'm listening to broken hearted girl by beyonce over and over again and feeling sad and sorry for myself. I miss him so much.

Damn she's a sexy bitch.

Best freaking night :P Got trashed, Hooked up with a sexy boy, could of had me some sex, but i got too drunk and just kept flitting away from him. Me and mel were the centre of our whirlwind night.

Went down to chapman oval to pre-game, got swept away in crazy girls night nostalgia. Went crazy out in civic. Tore up moose. Danced like crazy fucking bitches. I grinded the boy and dirty danced my heart out. Drink, drink, drink some more.

Best music. Music to go absolutly fucking insane to. Can't wait till next thursday.

guilty as charged.

leather jacket bitch :P

Questacon today. In the morning the kids got to choose which staff member they wanted to go with, mim and i were the popular choices. battles over who would get to go with us ensued. Got a lovely warm welcome when I arrived today too, nice yells of "yay jackis here!" hugs etc Love kids.

At questacon we wandered around, seeing all, doing all, I even went on the giant drop! i was so scared i could barely walk up the stairs, but i didn't want to look like a baby in front of gilly (the six year old girl who went before me) so i shut my eyes and did it. It was way fun.

For lunch today I had pasta with chicken and pesto :D soooo f-ing good. Now I am going to attempt to do some homework and strut around in my outfit for tonight. drunk much? It's party time.

the flying trapeze.

Had the best day at work today.
For the we had one of those games where you dress someone up in newspaper and fashion clothes for them out of newspaper and tape, Katie and I decided to make an outfit ourselves as something to do. I was the model, and we decided I'd be the queen of hearts. Basically we got really competitive, started heckling the older kids etc etc

7 year old boy: could you please help us?
Me and katie: we're not here to help, we're here to win!

We decided that of course we wouldn't be part of the competition, but then our desire for victory over took us and I strutted down the cat walk like a pro. We won.

Us: 1 Children: 0

I took these photo to try and show the glitter hairspray I've got all through my hair, but it didn't work. Questacon tomorrow. Then going out! Yay :)

It's gonna be a night to remember.

Work this week has got off to a good start, as yesterday I had the morning shift and morning shifts means excusrsions! We went to the national film and sound archive, and watched old episodes of playschool and other cool things. Fun way to spend the morning and get paid. Alas this afternoon I am working the afternoon shift, but then tomorrow I have the morning shift again and that means questacon!

Here relates a conversation I had with one of the little girls, Merran:

Merran: Did you know my auntie's dead?

Me: oh, that's very sad.

Merran: I get her cats though, her two cats.

Me: Well that's very nice of you to look after her cats.

Merran: They're not real cats.

Me: Oh.

The weather is rainy and overcast and is fabulous from my vantage point of my bed, but makes work incredibly difficult. I have to do some cleaning today too. Lame.

Donald.

Drawn by Yuri and Tam circa 2007.

I'm in miami bitch.

So at the moment, as far as emotions go, I am in a very weird place. I am sad, but not even sad, I think about Yuri pretty much all the time, it is always in the back of my mind. I think I don't even know how to feel in this situation. It's also hard because I feel like I can't talk about it with most people. Elk and Rowan have very little empathy for the situation because they seem to feel like I should have just moved on already. And Elk is very judgemental about Yuri and I and our relationship which makes it hard to talk to her at all. It really pisses me off because she just acts very superior and the tone is pretty much "get over it already" which is unfair, because when she has had her (numerous) problems with alex I never got on my judgement cap, or threw things she said about the relationship in the heat of the moment back in her face. Especially when the things she's said are much more damning.
I feel very lost without him at the moment, Ironic in that him feeling lost in his life is one of the reasons we are not together.
It is just sort of this constant cloud of melancholia is always over me, every time I lapse into silence I start thinking about him again. It's really hard at the moment, because I just don't know what to do, or what I'm supposed to do, Or what's supposed to happen.
Sorry for bitching, I'm just going to go to sleep, and hopefully in the morning I'll feel better.

Maybe read the post below, that's happy.

can't back out, can't back out.

I did buy a leather jacket. and god it was the greatest decision of my life!
Friday I hung out with elk, we pottered around the house, eating nice breads, watching high school musical three and bopping around to high school musical songs. We went shopping looking for something hot to wear on saturday night, and we both bought spur of the moment leather jackets! The asian girl who was working at the shop though we were sisters lol. When we got home we put on sex and the city and I painted my nails and strutted around in various leather jacket outfit combinations while elk wallowed in my bed playing mahjong. We try and figure out something to do for the night as it is the long weekend and we want to make the most of it. And also because we want to give our new jackets an outing. Just when we have conceded defeat, and are looking forward to settling in, watching the other two high school musicals, Charlotte messages us wanting to hang. Yay! Charlotte is our high school friend who is in wagga doing vet so this was very exciting. We decide on uni pub, as it is raining, and fridays nights are apparently lame if you are trying to go clubbing. Basically it was me elk talz and charlotte, a nice little high school reunion, with cameos from Farlow, Claire, Rowan and Tam. We hung out at uni pub, marvelling at the weird friday night crowd, and how old they all were. Then we moved onto kingos. Nice relaxed night, lots of boys checked us out, felt v. hot :P Elk and I got back to hers at about one am, we were just sitting on her bed, chatting, winding down from her night and eating maccas, when what follows is a classic raina story.

At about 1:30am the doorbell starts being rung frantically and elk answers it, it is raina (elks sister who normally lives with their mum) saying that her friend rachel and these two random guys who apparently know rachel are going to stay over. What ensues is elk and I turning violently against this rachel whore, Elk looking out the boys and threatening to call the cops if they come in the house, drunken raina saying it's not her fault they have to stay, even though she doesn't want them too, because she didn't have enough spine to say no. I sat on the bed cackling and enjoying rainas latest escapades. Eventually everyone comes inside, they go upstairs and then I lie in bed for a while listening to elk bang about in the kitchen tryin gto piss them off.

Saturday morning we wake up and go buy ourselves some croissants for breakfast. We saunted back to my house, making a detour to woden so i could get some new drugs, as I could feel a migraine coming on and did NOT want to be struck down in pain for the rest of the day. We lay around in bed, listening to high school musical. I had a bit of a nap to ward off my migraine, while elk played chess and mahjong, then she had a nap and I read for a bit. We are such an old married couple. Mel came over after work and the three of us cooked a fantastic pasta (how about that cheese? that's some skill with the grater) ate our fill then headed out (on the leather jackets second outing) to isaacs.

It was pretty much me elk adi and mel and donald, isaac, pat and paul, as well as some other boys who don't really feature in my mind. We had a nice laidback night, playing pool hanging out. Totally forgot about the changing relationships that the other girls (adi and mel) have with these boys, as my relationship with them (mostly distant) has not changed over time. All the girls were a bit tired and apparently a bit too competitive to verse each other in pool, but when our forces were united under one banner we were unstoppable. We headed home pretty early (eleven) and were in bed by twelve.

Upcoming things today? Have to try and do my assignments: fail. Finish my cleaning, do some washing, and then tonight mum and i are going to see swan lake! i think it's the russian ballet. Pretty excited, then maybe hitting up rnb heat at acads with melon :)

Wish uni was over. Sapping my soul.

Do you wanna?

No leather jacket. Alas. But maybe it's a good thing. Instead i can invest in cute dresses for the summer.
Hung out with brit :)

On the plus, my hair turned out fabulous :P I will take a picture but I'm not sure if you can see it. I have to go to drama tonight. Gay. But sexy director will be there. Awesome. Wish me luck! Also, dig my new red lipstick? sexy no? even though I am a retard at webcam photos.

but nothing ever happens.

I've got the next five days off work! yay! sweet sweet freedom, although there is the lurking weight of essays due the first week back that is hindering my light spirited feeling, although i will do the best i can to ignore it.
Today I have a fun lazy day planned. I'm going to print out some new photos (when am i not printing out photos) buy some hair dye, dye my hair, paint my nails, hang out with brit and....buy myself a leather jacket! last night i dreamt about one, and it was incredible and now I NEED one. I have been wanting one for many moons, and apparently now is the time. Hopefully they will be in next winter too. So yeah, if i can find a good one today, it's coming home with mama. Although, i just realised that maybe i WON"T find any, cause it's spring now. Shit. Hmmmm I'll check in civic tomorrow too.

Yesterday at work we had a talent contest for the kids, and i tried to do a backwards roll and i fucked up my hand and heard all the bones in my neck cracking ominously. Maybe won't try that again. Damn those spry seven year olds for trying to convince me I can prance about and do gymnastics.

Last night i went to elks for a dinner party :) Me mel elk alex and tom have carved out quite a nice niche for ourselves as the occassional five-some. It was fun, we hung out, watched seventeen again, and had a bizarely intense game of naming canberra suburbs until one can name no more! Elk gets the prize for making up the most suburbs, and alex gets the prize for naming the most super random suburbs that do not yet have any houses.

Old Elk Estate anyone?

they are night zombies.

So I want to write about the whole weekend, but it was just too fucking crazy/intense/messed up.
I'll try.
Thursday night the girls were hitting the town again :) me elk mel and jane all started hoeing into the vodka and champers and getting pretty, adi came and picked us up, so far, so awesome. We hoed around for a while, attempted to hit academy before midnight (so free entry) but the door bitch made us pay because we arrived at the front of the line at 12.04. bitch.
Acads was going off, we danced around like crazy people, drank, danced, drank, danced danced. Then we decide to go outside for some fresh air, and who should be out there but yuri.

He asks to talk to me, i reluctantly agree and we just talk for ages, about how he wants me back, etc me voicing concerns/laying into him for the shit he's done. He asks if we can talk about this in the park closer to our homes, so i agree, as the talk has got me out of feeling like civic anyway. When we get home he decides that he is going to sleep on my porch all night (it was freezing) to prove he wants to get back with me. It was a really surreal intense night and when i woke up, he had sent me a message saying "i'm still on the porch and i want you back" we talk more all day, but at like midday yuri has these crazy mood swings and starts freaking out about the future. This causes him to come to the realisation that drugs and alcohol has actually changed who he is. Which he'd never admitted/realised before. At the end of the day we decide to take it really slow and go on a date on sunday.

On saturday melon came over to watch the grand final, we didn't watch much, just ate, hung out etc it was too intense for me to watch. I watched the last half after she left. Then I had claire's 18th so i went over to Brit's to get ready with her, ash and mikky.
I looked really cute, and I think maybe tomorrow I will write another post detailing the party becaues it was fun and lots went down.

Long story short: I got incredibly drunk and messaged Yuri saying "do you really want to get back with me? do you really want this to work?" or something like that, and he replied "seriosuly, I'm too fucked up, i'm racking coke and drinking booze and i just can't stop myself, I'm fucking everything up and I just can't stop". Cue my hysterics and untimely exit from the party.

I called him when I got home and he was like "i need to drag myself out of this mess, my life is just fucked, you should just get away from me, I don't want to hurt you anymore" And I was liek "I WAS not talking to you and you slept on my porch! you forced me to reconsider and I wanted to reconsider and you just snatched it away. You mustn't care about me at all/You mustn't love me etc etc" To which he replied that that is not how it is, he is just too screwed up and he needs to sort himself out first.

So: To Summerise. Obvisouly I would prefer if he had not come back into my life at all, but at the same time, he is obviously going through some fucked up shit, and it is nice that he doesn't want to drag me through it. (When he said this, I pointed out he had been dragging me through it, but he said he didn't want to but again couldn't stop himself cause he still loves me) Also it took us talking etc for him to realise he has a problem, which is only a good thing.
If he actually can sort himself out I would think about dating him again because it shows commitment and maturity on his part. But who knows how long that will be? But because he has suggested that is what he would like to happen I will not just be able to forget about him, no way. Also there is the possibility that he will get clean and not want to be with me anyway. It's fucked.

petite anglaise

The title is the book I'm reading at the moment, an english girl living in paris who writes a blog. true story.

so yuri finally called me today to apologise. we didn't talk for very long, he just said he was really sorry about what he did, and that it was wrong. Afterwards I cried for a bit, but i think it was just shock, because i was shaking like a leaf. It just felt so weird to talk to him again. No time has passed, but the whole world has passed. It's only been two weeks.
I like to believe in fate or destiny, because it is reassuring to think that this is just the path I am on, and if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. I miss him alot, but it's been easier. Maybe part of me knows it is the right thing to do.

People have been amazed at how well I'm doing, how strong I'm being, but i dont know if it's my doing. It's not like i feel terrible but I'm forcing myself to be happy. Most of the time i just feel ok anyway. Happy. It feels better knowing there are positive things in my life coming up in the immediate future. Thursday, Friday, Saturday night. Coast. Relaxing, reading, hanging out, fishing, lying in the sun, having fun, going crazy.

The thing i wish that could leave is the fear I have about seeing yuri again, about what it could do to me. I guess there's only so many times someone can do the same thing to you before you are forced to see the light of the situation, and i guess my limit is three. I love Yuri alot, and we were really good together, we brought out the best in each other (most of the time), but he is just too young, and is in a different place to me, and he didn't love me enough to grow up, or he just couldn't make himself grow up. I just want him to disappear from my life for a while. but i'm doing ok.

hermione was hurrying towards them..

just a quick update. it's 12:15am, i just finished watching the saints game with dad :D we won, the only way i was able to watch the game was because i looked up the score on fox sports live, so i knew we won ahead of time. And of course dad knew we won because otherwise I wouldn't ahve been able to watch lol. god it felt so good! grand final next week :D if we win i think i'll cry, and if we lose i think i'll cry. It was very amusing because this girl from radford had updated her status to say "saints for premiers!" mine was a little less reserved with "FUCK YEAH FUCKING SAINTS MOTHERFUCKERS!"

hung out with brit tonight, just chatting and drinking a couple of cruisers :) it was really nice.

and hung out with elk on thursday, saw the boys while yuri was at work, which was also really good. I really miss those boys. Now I'm going to listen to harry potter and hopefully slip into a dreamless (or super happy) sleep :)
melon if you read this, call me. or i'll call you tomorrow anyways.

tell me that you'll open your eyes.

I feel very sad today.
It's really hard especially because I've been doing pretty well, so sometimes people just think I'm fine. Like last night I said to elk that i was feeling bad cause i was thinking about yuri and she was just like "there's nothing to think about" well there is. I love him and I'm so hurt and It's really hard and it's only been like a week and a half so i think I'm allowed to be sad sometimes. I don't want to go to uni today.

friday saturday sunday madness!

Best weekend ever.

Friday was an easy day. I sat around at home, reading looking up things on webct to make myself feel like I'd done schoolwork and then went to work. After work I came home for a bit, then went to fine melon at her job at dendy. She was selling wine but alas, when I got there (at 8:05pm) she was no where to be seen! She got out of her movie and we shuffled down to meet elk, who was also working at myer (look at all of us with our jobs!) she did my eye makeup for me, at which mel was severely disappointed as she claimed it was "too subtle" but i was quite pleased.

At 9 when elk finished we went to head to elks housesitting house in Cook, not thinking until we were in the car that the liquor shops may be closed! on arrival at jamison, we note that liquorland closed at nine! and we did not arrive till 9;30. Elk and I tried to reason to ourselves that coles will have liqour too, until mel informed us that Liquourland IS the coles liquor! we stood looking at it for a while in dismay, the prospect of having to share our alcohol and thus not getting quite as drunk was really not an option. We decided to head into coles anyway and MIRACLE there was liquor in there.

When we got back to elks i immediatly cracked open the champagne that my mother had given me, and swiftly drank down it's fizzy goodness. The night looked something like this : mel and elk having a few drinks and having a quite sophisticated girls night. Me, getting progressively drunker and abusing them all because they hid their phones out of their desire not to let me drunk-text. bastards. The next morning though, i admitted it was probably for the best.


Saturday was even better. We were awoken at about 4:30 but the cats that live in the house acting like freaks, pitter pattering about and darting past our faces, then woke again at about 9 and pottered around till we were ready to go. We dropped melon home, then elk and i went and picked up my doona cover! Ohhhh glory of glories, it is beautiful. When we get home, elk and i look around my room in dismay, and then elk suggests "...we should rearrange your whole room" and oh how thankful i am she suggested that! my room looks sooo good :D we rearranged my bed and comfy chair, and took the photos off the walls and have a cute chest of drawers with photos and jewellry and pretty things on it. I will take some photos and put them up here. So we rearranged for a while, and before we knew it, it was time for tennis!

Elk and i versed steph (my sister) and daniel (her boyfriend) and it was so much fun! We all dressed up all sporty and strutted onto the pitch/field/court. yeah court. By the end we all got pretty god, and we'll definatly have to do it again! I even got a little bit sunburnt, it felt good. My first sunburn of the spring! Then we went home at about 5pm feeling very pleased with ourselves and feasted of lasagne, garlic bread and salad. Washed down with cruisers that my daddy had kindly bought for us! All in all a perfect dinner. Then alex picked elk up, and i fell into a tired sleep.

Sunday I rose bright and early as i was going with Mikky (friend of britts, plays afl with steph, friend of mine) to watch my sisters soccer semi-final. We didn't really watch much, but we had nice chats and enjoyed the sunshine some more. After the game (which our team one) Elk met us at UC looking oh so summery, and we pottered home so the soccer players (my mum and my sister) could shower and pretty themselves up. Elk and I admired my room for a while, and then we headed off to the thai food festival!

It was fantastic, all the food you could want, at such cheap prices. We all got these dodgy yellow hats with the singha beer lion on top of them, and wore them proudly around the embassy. We feasted on curry puffs, spring rolls, fish cakes and satay sticks. It was perfection. Still more sunshine!

That afternoon elk alex (elk boyfriend) and I went shopping to prepare ourselves for girls night bbq that was to come! we got breads and dips and at last minute got some more drinks that would turn out to be a very good decision. It was one of those miracle events where although it was organised at last minute, everyone seemed able to make it! and so our group was made up of elk me mel meals charlotte beth and vrock. As well as tom and alex who were there to make our bbq for us. We had a really great afternoon, and once the sun went down things only got rowdier! Tom left and Alex went inside and then all hell broke loose for the girls! I had been thinking recently that some of the conversations on sex and the city were unrealisitc and no one speaks like that, but we put sex and the city to shame! It culminated in charlotte and elk demonstrating Charlottes favorite sex positions on the floor of the patio!

We also (I blame the cruisers!) had a flashback to the immaturity of year 8! I messaged a boy and then.. HE CALLED ME. We all immediatly freaked out, as we did not expect him to call. Charlotte answered the phone and then what ensued was a lot of giggling, screams, and me trying to burrow behind beths back so I could not be made to speak to him. It felt good to go back to year 8, even if just for a night.

After everyone left I watched arrested development till I fell asleep on the mattresses, being woken again by the weird cats, this time they headbutted my face a bunch of times. I crawled home on the bus and went back to sleep for the day. Weekend = success.

i could see what you were reading.

Luckily today was a better day.
I didn't sleep very well again but I met Brittanie in Woden and we just pottered around, looking in the shops. Then when our parking was going to expire we went and illegally parked near the doctors and just sat in her car talking for a bit more. I bought myself a new doona cover and pillows! i was really excited because i had been eyeing this set since my birthday, and they were on sale and i just went for it! It's on layby now but I really want it so i might just get it tomorrow lol. I had a chance encounter with elk on the escalators too! We were going down to look in sportsgirl and her and raina were coming up, and I didn't think elk would bother to venture so far from cook. It's a long way.

So after Brit left there wasn't really enough time to go home before uni, so on the off chance I messaged elk seeing if she was still in woden, and miracle, she was! Well actually she had had a super productive day and while brit and i were sitting her car, elk was going to dfo and manuka.
So then elk and i hung out for a bit, and then i went into drama.

I discovered this morning to my ultimate dismay that i was partnered with the biggest asshole/loser in our drama class. Everyone hates him and there was only one person (him) that everyone was like "please god don't pair me with him", and i got paired with him :(
I was feeling quite gloomy and was contemplating even dropping drama, but of course i wouldn't cause i'm not wasting the money, when I was saved!
Tony (the head of drama department) comes into our workshop towing behind him our directors for the scene and says that some directors had to swap groups because of time issues and i got the hot director! He is the one i saw in a performance last week and have been fantasising about hiim ever since.

Also, I think I made a new friend today :) Her name is penny and she's been in our class since the start of semester and she always seemed kinda cool. Anyways then we just ended up walking to my car together (she lives in oconnor) and chatting and laughing and she sympathised endlessly about me being stuck with douchebag keiran. And yeah, it felt really good, like the type of actual REAL friend, not one i'd have just cause they were in class with me.

So all in all having a better day. I'm going to read for a while and then go watch 20 to 1 with mum and dad.

Were the things I brought you when I found out you had cancer of the bone.

so I'm going to attempt to keep blogging, but I may stop if the blogs just become a self pity fest.
Today was quite a bad day as far as my emotions go. Very sad, not feeling optimistic about the future. Very drained.

The worst part is the subconscious stress of it all. I can't eat because the anxiety makes me feel constantly sick. When I get too anxious (especially at night) I get the shakes really bad, and I also have a really sore chest and chest pains from the stress.

Mummy bought me harry potter and the half blood prince on cd for me to listen to, and to help me sleep. I've got the shakes now thinking about it.
Today the thought of having to pick myself up and start over is just too exhausting to even contemplate. Yesterday was a more positive day, but I guess that is the way these things go.

I'm sad. :( at least I don't have uni in the morning tomorrow.

he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

you swam across lake michigan.

Yesterday I had the most fabulous day of uni! It was a Thursday, which means I should have like three hours of lecture and two hours of drama, but this entire semester so far i have elected not to attend any of the lectures. go me. So i lazed around, watched some sex in the city, planned my outfit for that night and looked at myself in the mirror. Then at three thirty I finally headed down to uni. I strolled into drama and hung out with my drama buddies, david and remy. Then the most fabulous news of all! Rather than doing anything actually drama ish, we just got to go and watch this other classes mid semester performances! It was fantastic, they were really funny and good and entertaining, and we got to leave like an hour early so that was a super bonus :D

When I got home I ate some lentil soup and a hamburger (lentil soup is the shiz) and went to the boys house. Simo was the only one home when I got there and in the meantime we drank champagne with strawberries and watched sixty minutes, scornfully comenting on the stories. v. nice. Then the boys got home and we just pottered around hanging out for a while, watched a bit more tv. I was getting quite relaxed and sleepy and then all of a sudden it was time to leave! I got ready really quick, threw on my dress (kate it is soooo freaking hot you would love it :P) and marched out the door. And wern't mel and I looking like the hottest bitches out. We went to some random bar in dickson to pick up adi's cousin, and the weird oldies were checking us out and the other girls were glaring at us so we must've been looking good! :P

What ensued was a pretty damn good night of smashing back the drinks, dancing like a crazy person, being mean to that weird guy, running into jason, forgetting jasons name, taking jasons smokes, running into remy, dancing at icbm, dancing at moose, dancing at acads. The posse I was with most of the night ended up being me mel adi tom and alex. I think...Not too sure, but lots of people were out.

Then we drove him with our car full to the brim and schorno crouched in the back so the cops wouldn't see him, and I fell into bed with Yuri, situated myself between his arms, and passed out. Good night.

So what you got a crew, I gotta crew too.

Last night I had a dream where we were driving down to the coast somewhere, and we passed this funhouse/scarehouse whatever it is. And we went in and it was like in rocky horror picture show, and our host was a "sweet transvestite" :P it was cool.

The night before I had a nightmare where these rabbits invaded where we were staying in some country house and they all had little mind control leeches in their brains like in animorphs, and if they got too close to us, they would jump over to our minds. yuck.

Perhaps I should introduce the main characters of the adventures I will soon be detailing on this blog.

Firstly:

Yuri: The boyfriend. We have been together for a long time and are really happy :) we have problems, but who doesn't?

Melon and Elk: The best friends. My crazy girlfriends I could not live without. One, lived in paris, smokes, drinks and is a parisian in my eyes. The other, dreams of being parisian or a new yorker or any type of super cool european fashionista.

The boys: yuri's housemates, and also encompassing any male friends of his. Main characters of the boys are: Schorno, Shane and Simo.

I shall introduce others as they come along.

Melon and I are hopefully going out tonight :) bit undecided, as Yuri and I haven't spent any quality time together and I really want to, but I'm thinking maybe Friday instead. Mel has a sexy new dress, so I'm trying to decide on something equally sexy to wear, but as always the weather has steeply turned to cold because it is a thursday.

I'm back into sex and the city right now. Mel and i are loving it. I'm watching season two at the moment, I think I shall watch the movie again soon. I have watched it a hundred times.
That is my life until this moment.

Hope tonight is as awesome as last thursday.

hello blogspot.

Lately I have been slutting around with all different blogging websites, livejournal, wordpress, you name it.

Hoping this one will stick.