but nothing ever happens.

I've got the next five days off work! yay! sweet sweet freedom, although there is the lurking weight of essays due the first week back that is hindering my light spirited feeling, although i will do the best i can to ignore it.
Today I have a fun lazy day planned. I'm going to print out some new photos (when am i not printing out photos) buy some hair dye, dye my hair, paint my nails, hang out with brit and....buy myself a leather jacket! last night i dreamt about one, and it was incredible and now I NEED one. I have been wanting one for many moons, and apparently now is the time. Hopefully they will be in next winter too. So yeah, if i can find a good one today, it's coming home with mama. Although, i just realised that maybe i WON"T find any, cause it's spring now. Shit. Hmmmm I'll check in civic tomorrow too.

Yesterday at work we had a talent contest for the kids, and i tried to do a backwards roll and i fucked up my hand and heard all the bones in my neck cracking ominously. Maybe won't try that again. Damn those spry seven year olds for trying to convince me I can prance about and do gymnastics.

Last night i went to elks for a dinner party :) Me mel elk alex and tom have carved out quite a nice niche for ourselves as the occassional five-some. It was fun, we hung out, watched seventeen again, and had a bizarely intense game of naming canberra suburbs until one can name no more! Elk gets the prize for making up the most suburbs, and alex gets the prize for naming the most super random suburbs that do not yet have any houses.

Old Elk Estate anyone?

they are night zombies.

So I want to write about the whole weekend, but it was just too fucking crazy/intense/messed up.
I'll try.
Thursday night the girls were hitting the town again :) me elk mel and jane all started hoeing into the vodka and champers and getting pretty, adi came and picked us up, so far, so awesome. We hoed around for a while, attempted to hit academy before midnight (so free entry) but the door bitch made us pay because we arrived at the front of the line at 12.04. bitch.
Acads was going off, we danced around like crazy people, drank, danced, drank, danced danced. Then we decide to go outside for some fresh air, and who should be out there but yuri.

He asks to talk to me, i reluctantly agree and we just talk for ages, about how he wants me back, etc me voicing concerns/laying into him for the shit he's done. He asks if we can talk about this in the park closer to our homes, so i agree, as the talk has got me out of feeling like civic anyway. When we get home he decides that he is going to sleep on my porch all night (it was freezing) to prove he wants to get back with me. It was a really surreal intense night and when i woke up, he had sent me a message saying "i'm still on the porch and i want you back" we talk more all day, but at like midday yuri has these crazy mood swings and starts freaking out about the future. This causes him to come to the realisation that drugs and alcohol has actually changed who he is. Which he'd never admitted/realised before. At the end of the day we decide to take it really slow and go on a date on sunday.

On saturday melon came over to watch the grand final, we didn't watch much, just ate, hung out etc it was too intense for me to watch. I watched the last half after she left. Then I had claire's 18th so i went over to Brit's to get ready with her, ash and mikky.
I looked really cute, and I think maybe tomorrow I will write another post detailing the party becaues it was fun and lots went down.

Long story short: I got incredibly drunk and messaged Yuri saying "do you really want to get back with me? do you really want this to work?" or something like that, and he replied "seriosuly, I'm too fucked up, i'm racking coke and drinking booze and i just can't stop myself, I'm fucking everything up and I just can't stop". Cue my hysterics and untimely exit from the party.

I called him when I got home and he was like "i need to drag myself out of this mess, my life is just fucked, you should just get away from me, I don't want to hurt you anymore" And I was liek "I WAS not talking to you and you slept on my porch! you forced me to reconsider and I wanted to reconsider and you just snatched it away. You mustn't care about me at all/You mustn't love me etc etc" To which he replied that that is not how it is, he is just too screwed up and he needs to sort himself out first.

So: To Summerise. Obvisouly I would prefer if he had not come back into my life at all, but at the same time, he is obviously going through some fucked up shit, and it is nice that he doesn't want to drag me through it. (When he said this, I pointed out he had been dragging me through it, but he said he didn't want to but again couldn't stop himself cause he still loves me) Also it took us talking etc for him to realise he has a problem, which is only a good thing.
If he actually can sort himself out I would think about dating him again because it shows commitment and maturity on his part. But who knows how long that will be? But because he has suggested that is what he would like to happen I will not just be able to forget about him, no way. Also there is the possibility that he will get clean and not want to be with me anyway. It's fucked.

petite anglaise

The title is the book I'm reading at the moment, an english girl living in paris who writes a blog. true story.

so yuri finally called me today to apologise. we didn't talk for very long, he just said he was really sorry about what he did, and that it was wrong. Afterwards I cried for a bit, but i think it was just shock, because i was shaking like a leaf. It just felt so weird to talk to him again. No time has passed, but the whole world has passed. It's only been two weeks.
I like to believe in fate or destiny, because it is reassuring to think that this is just the path I am on, and if it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be. I miss him alot, but it's been easier. Maybe part of me knows it is the right thing to do.

People have been amazed at how well I'm doing, how strong I'm being, but i dont know if it's my doing. It's not like i feel terrible but I'm forcing myself to be happy. Most of the time i just feel ok anyway. Happy. It feels better knowing there are positive things in my life coming up in the immediate future. Thursday, Friday, Saturday night. Coast. Relaxing, reading, hanging out, fishing, lying in the sun, having fun, going crazy.

The thing i wish that could leave is the fear I have about seeing yuri again, about what it could do to me. I guess there's only so many times someone can do the same thing to you before you are forced to see the light of the situation, and i guess my limit is three. I love Yuri alot, and we were really good together, we brought out the best in each other (most of the time), but he is just too young, and is in a different place to me, and he didn't love me enough to grow up, or he just couldn't make himself grow up. I just want him to disappear from my life for a while. but i'm doing ok.

hermione was hurrying towards them..

just a quick update. it's 12:15am, i just finished watching the saints game with dad :D we won, the only way i was able to watch the game was because i looked up the score on fox sports live, so i knew we won ahead of time. And of course dad knew we won because otherwise I wouldn't ahve been able to watch lol. god it felt so good! grand final next week :D if we win i think i'll cry, and if we lose i think i'll cry. It was very amusing because this girl from radford had updated her status to say "saints for premiers!" mine was a little less reserved with "FUCK YEAH FUCKING SAINTS MOTHERFUCKERS!"

hung out with brit tonight, just chatting and drinking a couple of cruisers :) it was really nice.

and hung out with elk on thursday, saw the boys while yuri was at work, which was also really good. I really miss those boys. Now I'm going to listen to harry potter and hopefully slip into a dreamless (or super happy) sleep :)
melon if you read this, call me. or i'll call you tomorrow anyways.

tell me that you'll open your eyes.

I feel very sad today.
It's really hard especially because I've been doing pretty well, so sometimes people just think I'm fine. Like last night I said to elk that i was feeling bad cause i was thinking about yuri and she was just like "there's nothing to think about" well there is. I love him and I'm so hurt and It's really hard and it's only been like a week and a half so i think I'm allowed to be sad sometimes. I don't want to go to uni today.

friday saturday sunday madness!

Best weekend ever.

Friday was an easy day. I sat around at home, reading looking up things on webct to make myself feel like I'd done schoolwork and then went to work. After work I came home for a bit, then went to fine melon at her job at dendy. She was selling wine but alas, when I got there (at 8:05pm) she was no where to be seen! She got out of her movie and we shuffled down to meet elk, who was also working at myer (look at all of us with our jobs!) she did my eye makeup for me, at which mel was severely disappointed as she claimed it was "too subtle" but i was quite pleased.

At 9 when elk finished we went to head to elks housesitting house in Cook, not thinking until we were in the car that the liquor shops may be closed! on arrival at jamison, we note that liquorland closed at nine! and we did not arrive till 9;30. Elk and I tried to reason to ourselves that coles will have liqour too, until mel informed us that Liquourland IS the coles liquor! we stood looking at it for a while in dismay, the prospect of having to share our alcohol and thus not getting quite as drunk was really not an option. We decided to head into coles anyway and MIRACLE there was liquor in there.

When we got back to elks i immediatly cracked open the champagne that my mother had given me, and swiftly drank down it's fizzy goodness. The night looked something like this : mel and elk having a few drinks and having a quite sophisticated girls night. Me, getting progressively drunker and abusing them all because they hid their phones out of their desire not to let me drunk-text. bastards. The next morning though, i admitted it was probably for the best.


Saturday was even better. We were awoken at about 4:30 but the cats that live in the house acting like freaks, pitter pattering about and darting past our faces, then woke again at about 9 and pottered around till we were ready to go. We dropped melon home, then elk and i went and picked up my doona cover! Ohhhh glory of glories, it is beautiful. When we get home, elk and i look around my room in dismay, and then elk suggests "...we should rearrange your whole room" and oh how thankful i am she suggested that! my room looks sooo good :D we rearranged my bed and comfy chair, and took the photos off the walls and have a cute chest of drawers with photos and jewellry and pretty things on it. I will take some photos and put them up here. So we rearranged for a while, and before we knew it, it was time for tennis!

Elk and i versed steph (my sister) and daniel (her boyfriend) and it was so much fun! We all dressed up all sporty and strutted onto the pitch/field/court. yeah court. By the end we all got pretty god, and we'll definatly have to do it again! I even got a little bit sunburnt, it felt good. My first sunburn of the spring! Then we went home at about 5pm feeling very pleased with ourselves and feasted of lasagne, garlic bread and salad. Washed down with cruisers that my daddy had kindly bought for us! All in all a perfect dinner. Then alex picked elk up, and i fell into a tired sleep.

Sunday I rose bright and early as i was going with Mikky (friend of britts, plays afl with steph, friend of mine) to watch my sisters soccer semi-final. We didn't really watch much, but we had nice chats and enjoyed the sunshine some more. After the game (which our team one) Elk met us at UC looking oh so summery, and we pottered home so the soccer players (my mum and my sister) could shower and pretty themselves up. Elk and I admired my room for a while, and then we headed off to the thai food festival!

It was fantastic, all the food you could want, at such cheap prices. We all got these dodgy yellow hats with the singha beer lion on top of them, and wore them proudly around the embassy. We feasted on curry puffs, spring rolls, fish cakes and satay sticks. It was perfection. Still more sunshine!

That afternoon elk alex (elk boyfriend) and I went shopping to prepare ourselves for girls night bbq that was to come! we got breads and dips and at last minute got some more drinks that would turn out to be a very good decision. It was one of those miracle events where although it was organised at last minute, everyone seemed able to make it! and so our group was made up of elk me mel meals charlotte beth and vrock. As well as tom and alex who were there to make our bbq for us. We had a really great afternoon, and once the sun went down things only got rowdier! Tom left and Alex went inside and then all hell broke loose for the girls! I had been thinking recently that some of the conversations on sex and the city were unrealisitc and no one speaks like that, but we put sex and the city to shame! It culminated in charlotte and elk demonstrating Charlottes favorite sex positions on the floor of the patio!

We also (I blame the cruisers!) had a flashback to the immaturity of year 8! I messaged a boy and then.. HE CALLED ME. We all immediatly freaked out, as we did not expect him to call. Charlotte answered the phone and then what ensued was a lot of giggling, screams, and me trying to burrow behind beths back so I could not be made to speak to him. It felt good to go back to year 8, even if just for a night.

After everyone left I watched arrested development till I fell asleep on the mattresses, being woken again by the weird cats, this time they headbutted my face a bunch of times. I crawled home on the bus and went back to sleep for the day. Weekend = success.

i could see what you were reading.

Luckily today was a better day.
I didn't sleep very well again but I met Brittanie in Woden and we just pottered around, looking in the shops. Then when our parking was going to expire we went and illegally parked near the doctors and just sat in her car talking for a bit more. I bought myself a new doona cover and pillows! i was really excited because i had been eyeing this set since my birthday, and they were on sale and i just went for it! It's on layby now but I really want it so i might just get it tomorrow lol. I had a chance encounter with elk on the escalators too! We were going down to look in sportsgirl and her and raina were coming up, and I didn't think elk would bother to venture so far from cook. It's a long way.

So after Brit left there wasn't really enough time to go home before uni, so on the off chance I messaged elk seeing if she was still in woden, and miracle, she was! Well actually she had had a super productive day and while brit and i were sitting her car, elk was going to dfo and manuka.
So then elk and i hung out for a bit, and then i went into drama.

I discovered this morning to my ultimate dismay that i was partnered with the biggest asshole/loser in our drama class. Everyone hates him and there was only one person (him) that everyone was like "please god don't pair me with him", and i got paired with him :(
I was feeling quite gloomy and was contemplating even dropping drama, but of course i wouldn't cause i'm not wasting the money, when I was saved!
Tony (the head of drama department) comes into our workshop towing behind him our directors for the scene and says that some directors had to swap groups because of time issues and i got the hot director! He is the one i saw in a performance last week and have been fantasising about hiim ever since.

Also, I think I made a new friend today :) Her name is penny and she's been in our class since the start of semester and she always seemed kinda cool. Anyways then we just ended up walking to my car together (she lives in oconnor) and chatting and laughing and she sympathised endlessly about me being stuck with douchebag keiran. And yeah, it felt really good, like the type of actual REAL friend, not one i'd have just cause they were in class with me.

So all in all having a better day. I'm going to read for a while and then go watch 20 to 1 with mum and dad.

Were the things I brought you when I found out you had cancer of the bone.

so I'm going to attempt to keep blogging, but I may stop if the blogs just become a self pity fest.
Today was quite a bad day as far as my emotions go. Very sad, not feeling optimistic about the future. Very drained.

The worst part is the subconscious stress of it all. I can't eat because the anxiety makes me feel constantly sick. When I get too anxious (especially at night) I get the shakes really bad, and I also have a really sore chest and chest pains from the stress.

Mummy bought me harry potter and the half blood prince on cd for me to listen to, and to help me sleep. I've got the shakes now thinking about it.
Today the thought of having to pick myself up and start over is just too exhausting to even contemplate. Yesterday was a more positive day, but I guess that is the way these things go.

I'm sad. :( at least I don't have uni in the morning tomorrow.

he doesn't want to be with me anymore.

you swam across lake michigan.

Yesterday I had the most fabulous day of uni! It was a Thursday, which means I should have like three hours of lecture and two hours of drama, but this entire semester so far i have elected not to attend any of the lectures. go me. So i lazed around, watched some sex in the city, planned my outfit for that night and looked at myself in the mirror. Then at three thirty I finally headed down to uni. I strolled into drama and hung out with my drama buddies, david and remy. Then the most fabulous news of all! Rather than doing anything actually drama ish, we just got to go and watch this other classes mid semester performances! It was fantastic, they were really funny and good and entertaining, and we got to leave like an hour early so that was a super bonus :D

When I got home I ate some lentil soup and a hamburger (lentil soup is the shiz) and went to the boys house. Simo was the only one home when I got there and in the meantime we drank champagne with strawberries and watched sixty minutes, scornfully comenting on the stories. v. nice. Then the boys got home and we just pottered around hanging out for a while, watched a bit more tv. I was getting quite relaxed and sleepy and then all of a sudden it was time to leave! I got ready really quick, threw on my dress (kate it is soooo freaking hot you would love it :P) and marched out the door. And wern't mel and I looking like the hottest bitches out. We went to some random bar in dickson to pick up adi's cousin, and the weird oldies were checking us out and the other girls were glaring at us so we must've been looking good! :P

What ensued was a pretty damn good night of smashing back the drinks, dancing like a crazy person, being mean to that weird guy, running into jason, forgetting jasons name, taking jasons smokes, running into remy, dancing at icbm, dancing at moose, dancing at acads. The posse I was with most of the night ended up being me mel adi tom and alex. I think...Not too sure, but lots of people were out.

Then we drove him with our car full to the brim and schorno crouched in the back so the cops wouldn't see him, and I fell into bed with Yuri, situated myself between his arms, and passed out. Good night.

So what you got a crew, I gotta crew too.

Last night I had a dream where we were driving down to the coast somewhere, and we passed this funhouse/scarehouse whatever it is. And we went in and it was like in rocky horror picture show, and our host was a "sweet transvestite" :P it was cool.

The night before I had a nightmare where these rabbits invaded where we were staying in some country house and they all had little mind control leeches in their brains like in animorphs, and if they got too close to us, they would jump over to our minds. yuck.

Perhaps I should introduce the main characters of the adventures I will soon be detailing on this blog.

Firstly:

Yuri: The boyfriend. We have been together for a long time and are really happy :) we have problems, but who doesn't?

Melon and Elk: The best friends. My crazy girlfriends I could not live without. One, lived in paris, smokes, drinks and is a parisian in my eyes. The other, dreams of being parisian or a new yorker or any type of super cool european fashionista.

The boys: yuri's housemates, and also encompassing any male friends of his. Main characters of the boys are: Schorno, Shane and Simo.

I shall introduce others as they come along.

Melon and I are hopefully going out tonight :) bit undecided, as Yuri and I haven't spent any quality time together and I really want to, but I'm thinking maybe Friday instead. Mel has a sexy new dress, so I'm trying to decide on something equally sexy to wear, but as always the weather has steeply turned to cold because it is a thursday.

I'm back into sex and the city right now. Mel and i are loving it. I'm watching season two at the moment, I think I shall watch the movie again soon. I have watched it a hundred times.
That is my life until this moment.

Hope tonight is as awesome as last thursday.

hello blogspot.

Lately I have been slutting around with all different blogging websites, livejournal, wordpress, you name it.

Hoping this one will stick.