i have been feeling a bit lost lately. It is really wearing me down being alone all the time and missing yuri, and i just don't know how to make that not happen. I've been keeping happy, seeing friends, doing fun things, and i just don't know what else i can do to make things change.
My default emotion used to be a kind of muted happiness, and i'd just float through life without a care in the world, now it is just a kind of stressed sadness, and i really don't know how to deal with it. I'm waiting for it to pass, but i am starting to freak out that it might be hanging around for good.

Father of the bride.

Haven't updated in a long time. I've been staying out late, drinking champagne and cosmos, getting lapdances off strippers, watching the hills, hanging out with my girls.
Rowan is in town, he surprised me :) I was so damn happy to see him, i have work tonight but then i have the whole day off tomorrow and we're having a sleepover :)

Things have been hard about men lately, but i'm optimistic that i will find someone new. I just need patience, which is definitely not my strong suit. In the mean time I will continue to depend on my friends and family for happiness. As well as good books, a good nights sleep, good tv shows, bagels, photos and fun nights out.

hoping to get a friendship with my workmates happening, expanding my circle of people is the key. I can't meet anyone new, if i don't meet anyone new.

daystrength.

I haven't updated in ages! My computer got some weird creepy virus and I had no idea what to do about it. Schorno installed some thing though, and it seems to have done something that has allowed me to access the internet again. Went out on Thursday, but actually had a reasonable night, as was this intention, which normally never happens. Danced around, hung with the girl, and only drank alot, rather than an obscene amount. good work me.

Last night I had a very relaxed night, had dinner with my grandparents, the family and elk, watched a bit of arrested development, and went to bed at ten. ohhhh I am so old. I'm thinking of maybe doing something tonight, but perhaps doing nothing could be even better.

I've spent today watching season one of gossip girl (for the millionth time) and unpacking all my stuff in my room now that dad has ripped up the carpet and painted the walls. All that is left is the sort of scraps around my room. I am trying to bother to go into woden to print off some photos, but maybe I'll just do that tomorrow.

Going for a walk tonight :) looking forward to it alot. Cya there hoe ;)

that will be the best therapy for me.

Had a fabulous night last night. Went to tams for a dinner party. Me jake tam elk brit and vrock drank ate and sat on the balcony talking.
Was a hysterical night. I got wayyyy too drunk (again) and kept saying I was magi from fern gully and trying to heal jake. ahhh good wednesday night.

Had a bit of a d&m with jake. He is tams housemate and somewhat of a new friend to me. We were talking about ex's etc etc and he doesn't know the situation with me and yuri, and he was like "It's just pretty clear you're very much not over him" and i was like "...ouch.", i sort of thought that it seems like i'm pretty happy. And emily (another new friend) i said somehting about how "i'm fine" and she was like "no offence, but you don't seem fine to me." God i miss him.

Anyways I'm having a great evening hanging out with the parents and watching so you think you can dance, biggest loser and twenty to one. Got another god girls night planned for saturday :D

loretta bobbins lorelai.

I had a fabulous night last night where I went to brits, and we lay in bed, watched the hills marathon, and scoffed down delicious delicious pizza, it made me feel much better.

I also slept for twelve hours which is helping me battle off sickness.

Went to lunch today with a woman i will be housesitting for. Really looking forward to it, imagining nights of sitting around by myself, drinking vodka and sitting on the deck.

O-week was fabulous, drinking, dancing, partying, drinking some more, partying some more. Such a fun week, freaking out about getting back to the real world tomorrow.

I have to go get my new passport photo taken and send off for it, clean my room, do my cleaning around the house and apply for new jobs. Also have to attend my first lecture for the new year!

hey hey.

This is a short update cause I'm dying.
I will write about all insane oweek shenanigans, but later, as now all i want to do is whine about my sickness.
I mean i totally deserve it, but tight chest, feeling like i can't breathe and gay hacking cough is not making me too happy.
I also have achy body like when you first start to get sick. god dammit.
On the upside, feeling super happy, good memories of the week.

All the things I did tonight, those will be the best memories
I just wanna let it go for the night, that will be the best therapy for me.

Instead of dancing alone, I should be dancing with you.

This is a picture of my new peacock necklace. love it. Also, note my love heart pj shorts. Valentines is in the air.

Last night I went to a friend's farewell, it wasn't too sad, I stayed at his, and we spooned and cuddled just like we used to. I'll miss him.
The night itself was fabulous, despite the rain (so shocking to those who live in canberra) we headed out to the mawso and hung out, laughed, drank until they kicked us out.
I went shopping yesterday and bought some new clothes, but it sucks because now I am running low on drinking/partying money for Oweek.
I will take some photos of them, but I cannot be bothered getting out of bed atm.

My Valentines is quite lovely, lounged around in bed with rowan all morning, then came back here and watched the OC while mother made me a bacon and egg roll. Fabulous food after drinking. I napped and generally felt very slobbish, but in a good way, as it was exactly what I wanted to do.

But I can't fix you, and you don't want me.

Having a pretty good couple of days, hanging out around the house doing chores.

Went to a bbq on sunday, drank delicious cocktails, smoked illegal substances and laughed alot.

Tonight tam is getting her housewife on and cooking a dinner party for all of us, and we are to dress up ala edie sedgewick and others from the factory. fabulous big earrings, short dresses, looking forward to the photos.

Have been talking to the ex lately, and it's actually fine. Probably just having a good couple of days, but it feels good, we are possibly becoming (gasp) friends, although i am still very wary of it, and have not been the one to initiate contact at all. Which feels good.

Have several new men on my sights, things are looking good :)

I'm so fucked right now. work is going to kill me. tired.
mawso last night. Awesome night. Shouldn't have drank so much.

it's hard out there for a pimp.

going out again tonight.
Bit torn as to what to do, cause there is the foam party tonight, but i don't know if i feel like it, and Rowan is having birthday drinks at the mawso, so thinking I should go to that. I think i will do whatever adi wants to do, and then blame it on her if anyone is upset ;)
Hopefully she'll be tired, and we can just do casual drinks, cause there is ANU foam party in a couple of weeks, and I definatly do not want to be foamed out. Although, maybe i should just suck it up and go, have a good time.

Was driving the other night and was listening to the presets, and just felt so ridiculously, insanely happy and free. Love.
I love seeing old friends, making them new friends, drinking, dancing, and life at the moment. I wish adi would come over right now. In the mood for socialising.

strange and beautiful.

went out to civic for jane and deans 20th on saturday night, it was such a good night. Best night I've had out in civic for a long time. Spent most of our time at Bar 32, which was awesome, music was wayy better than anywhere else.

Was so good to see everyone, Jang and dean have some fun friends, got to dance around like crazy, felt very free, and light, and happy.

Having a way better couple of days, my mood has just swung the other way and i'm feeling on top of the world. Hopefully it will stay this way for a long time. Everything just seems really good right now, especially friends. I can't wait to have regular income again, so i can do things without worrying, hoping to see more people this week, and then this weekend we are going to newcastle for my cousins baby shower :D

your hearts a mess.

Appropriate title. I'm trying not to allow myself time to wallow, but having a bit of a down day, probably because I'm so drained.

I know you can't compare other people to yourself, but it just seems like everyone around me has all these people interested in and are over their ex's and i just feel like I am stuck. I still care about Yuri way too much, and probably everyone else can pick up on it.

I just want to move on, desperately, but it's freaking difficult.

I still just miss him so much.

On a brighter note, had a great week, hung out with Jane on friday, drank wine, sat on the balcony, watched love actually and random crap on the tv. was so good to see her :) then just been hanging around, went to tams for aus day, and then to deano and janes drinks for their birthday.

Things I'm looking forward to: a couple of early nights, tonight and tomorrow night, going out on saturday, oweek, meeting new people.

I am in fact desperate to meet new people. Anyone got friends hiding who I would love? :P

looking at that photo makes me happy and sad. With the cooler, overcast weather today, it makes summer seem like a million miles away, but there is still so much more to look forward to

new yorkkk.

god dammit the damn cops defected my car for not having working brake lights. so now for the next several days i have to get around without my car, and then spend many hours waiting while it is fixed, and then completing all the beuracractic (that word looks wrong?) forms and bullshit to get it all fixed up so i can drive again.
Annnooyyyinnnggg...
on the plus, cooking elk dinner tomorrow night, going to janes friday, girls night saturday. Life is not so bad :)

xoxo gossip girl.

much as i do love the warmer weather, and all the joys that summer brings me, sunlight, beaches, parties, sitting outside watching the world get dark, i am beginning to crave the joys of dressing for the cooler weather.

the layering, the tights, the cute boots, beanies, scarves, gloves. ohhhhh the joys! I need to actually buy some long sleeved shirts this winter. and i want to invest in some more long sleeve dresses. so damn cute.

nonetheless, i will still make the most of the simplicity of dressing for summer. shorts and singlet, or dress, and done.

cause that's all i want.

Yesterday I spent a lovely day in bed. Deano and I went and got oportos, then we shuffled home. Sadly, I remembered that I had to water the neighbours plants, so I shuffled over. I didn't know where the switch from the irrigation system was, and in my hungover state it was very distressing, I waddled around the backyard, trying to shield my tired eyes from the sun, and eventually called the neighbours and found out where it was. Then I just lay around dozing, till dinner time, where I had to slap on some makeup to try and look normal, and go downstairs to hang with some family friends who came over.

We hung out ate, I even drank a couple of glasses of champagne. I'm still dreaming of long hair. I was thinking by the time we go to borneo in june it will be officially classified as long. yay!

Today I have to clean my room, do some chores and go to the gym. I'm going to get icecream with ash and britt tonight, so that will be my socialising for today :) got another good week planned. And then by this weekend charlie and meals will be back so many girls nights are in order.

the way she clicked her heels, and put her fists in the sky.

looking very much forward to elk's party on saturday :D house parties are the best. looking forward to seeing jane and other friends i haven't seen in a while :)
lately i've just been hanging with brit, watching friends, schlomping around the house.
i really want to go to the gym but i got a migraine a couple of days ago and it's just been sort of hanging around on the perepheries, hopefully by tomorrow it will be all good and i can go again :)
going to hang with ash tonight. perhaps we will go to tuggers lake. ohhhh the memories.

red flags and long nights.

i heart bbqs. sat around outside, drank champagne, played table tennis, got high.

i put my hair in plaits today, it is a thrill it makes it look so long!

i have to do my chores and then i'm going over to brits tonight for sex and the city :D life is good.

hot summer.

I have been having a lovely week. On wednesday all the girls got together for charlie's bday and we hung out and had dinner and had chocolate icecream martinis from koko black. Then on thursday we went out again for charlie's bday, pre-drinks at tams and then eventually shuffling into town to dance around and see various people. Saw ben :)

Then on friday charlie and her mum came round for dinner so i cooked delicious food and we drank champagne and sat around on the patio :) Then Yesterday i hung out with brit all day, went over to stevie's and we hung out and swam around in her pool, it was awesome cause it was so damn hot.

last night i went round to elks and we got drunk and watched the princess diaries and he's jsut not that into you, despite my initial plans to have a quiet one. I haven't done much today, just washed the cars when i got home, then i have to clean my room, then going out for a bbq. god i love the summer!

can't believe next week is already all booked out as well. siigh happiness :)

some photos from jurassic house party for your viewing pleasure.

I am feeling completly lost and depressed and on an emotional fucking rollercoaster atm. my feelings change every couple of minutes. I'm sure by the time anyone reads this i will feel happy again. When will thoughts of him stop making me feel sick to my stomach?


*EDIT* i just skyped with mel. am slowly identifying the reason for my increased depression about yuri is my missing of mel. nice to know it's not all about him. Now I am going to get pretty, put on my dancing shoes, and try and do something worthy of telling melon about ;)

eyes on fire.

This is me attempting to show off my new years jewellry and pretty painted nails.

Despite attempting to have a "relax and do nothing week" i am already booked solid for this week and possibly the next!

Tomorrow I'm going to over to elks and we are going to pretty ourselves up and go to wagamama with charlie and beth for charlies bday. On thursday we are all going out for charlies birthday, will tear up the town as us single ladies dance up a storm :P

Friday night Charlie and her mum are coming round for dinner yay.

Saw brit this arvo, we hung out in her car (cause we are super cool like that) and then i've just been pottering around my house, enjoying doing nothing. I really need a new job and money.

I skyped mel today, she'd just got off the plane! she met a producer from the oc, but *I* saw the midget from big brother! :P i totally win!

I am going to clean my room and organise my photos tonight, need to stop taking so many, so many to print off. damn us all for being so photogenic!

All the single ladies!

Mel has gone! As i write this she is on a plane to LAX hopefully watching sherlock holmes.

We went out for one last hurrah on saturday, had a nice girls night dancing around together to "all the single ladies!" then yesterday i went to mels in the morning, and then after lunch and we walked to the adventure playground and smoked some farewell smokes, then we couldn't face goodbyes so she came round after dinner as well. I'm gonna really miss her, but not worried about keeping in touch.

I enrolled for my uni courses finally today. I'm so lazy. I'm doing Modern European Theatre for drama, Modern American Literature for english, america in the sixties for history and an introduction to art history course. Pretty excited, especially for O-week and meeting new people/making new friends etc :)

Now I'm going to clean my room. For dinner i am making creamy pesto chicken and gnocchi, pretty f-ing excited. I need to find new people to party with now melon is gone!

hello 2010.

what a send off to 2009! drank, smoked, took various illegal substances, danced around like crazy people, climbed on tractors, rolled around in the dirt. We went to schorno's farm and i saw all the boys, who i missed SO much. it was so good to see the three of them, for all intents and purposes, my ex-housemates. Em and tim were there too, which was great, and of course mel and i partied around like the craziest people there.

it was just such a GREAT night and then we had a fabulous next day of cruising around, sitting on the patio, going to the beach, swimming in the river, and general having a fun frivolous time with all the time in the world. coming home was sad, wish i was still there. melon is leaving on monday morning. sad. although it's not even that sad becasue i can't believe it's actually happening. At least we have one last great party to remember the best summer ever by :)